I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say ‘Thank you’ cause drugs are very expensive.

Sure I may look adjusted, but I can’t function in normal society because most of you are too stupid.

I’m actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house...

There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

Finding my dog’s g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

I don’t know why I get away with some things. But I’m not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they’ve been good to me.